My journey into submission comes to a close for 2013
I choose when and when not to submit to a man. I am not defined by my submission. For me it was an exploration and a journey. I hope to return to it again at some point but for now, I am putting my collar aside and moving on to other areas that I need to uncover within myself. It seems appropriate given the date.
My blog has never been based on a type of BDSM or BDSM at all for that matter. It has been and always will be about me and my sexual journey. When it becomes about someone else or loses that focus, I will stop posting. I committed to uncovering my sexual self and understanding her. I buried her for years under loads of insecurities. I settled for less than I deserved. I devalued myself and allowed myself to be used by men but did not understand why I did it. I repressed my own sexual needs because I simply did not understand them and feared them. I was starved for attention from others, because I just could not love myself.
I looked in the mirror and I could not get past the memories of childhood boys and girls that tormented and picked on awkward, chubby, red headed girls that looked different. I couldn’t see past the girl that had been emotionally and in some ways, physically abandoned by both her mother and her father at 5. I could not look past the girl that had to find her own dates for the prom because no one asked her, to any of them. I couldn’t look past the girl that gave her virginity up to an anonymous fraternity boy, then cried alone in her room afterwards. I couldn’t look past the girl that allowed herself to be used through college by men, just to feel something, to be wanted to be needed.
I could not look past that girl for 35 years. How did I react to being stuck?
- I ran to the safest man that I could find as soon as I was able and married him. Unfortunately, I married my best friend and not my soul mate. I don’t regret it because it gave me a chance to start healing. He is my friend to do this day but I hurt him when I finally woke up and realized that I had no passion for him.
- I acted out sexually.
- I have had to use alcohol and drugs to lower my inhibitions sexually. It was the only way for me to quiet the voices in my head.
- I did not fantasize. I am serious. I did not watch porn. I did not dream up sexy things to do with a partner. I relived memories in my head. I simply had no experience to draw upon from which to create fantasy scenarios.
- I was guilty and embarrassed about sex. I was guilty about watching porn. I was embarrassed to talk about sex. I didn’t freaking masturbate until I was 23 years old. It has only been recently that I have desired to masturbate more on my own. That has been deliciously fun.
I refuse to be defined by things in my childhood and young adult years that were beyond my control, any longer. I firmly believe to be truly happy that you need your entire self to be healthy, this includes your sexual being. For me, this has meant dealing with the demons in my head and conquering them one by one. It has been a slow and painful journey over the last few years. I am sure therapy would have been cheaper but I decided to go a more direct path to sexual freedom, and gain it through experience. I am so very fortunate to have my darling Daddy to protect me on this journey. He has understood and supported my need to explore. We both knew that it would be detrimental to our marriage if I did not. I will settle down at some point, for now, I am having a grand adventure.
2014 is going to be a new and wonderful leg of my journey, I am sure. If you followed me only because of the female submissive pictures I post, then you will likely want to unfollow. They will still appear but to less of a degree. If you thought you knew something about me, guess again. I am changing. My focus on 2014 is about what I want sexually. I am not embarrassed about my sexual desires and appetites. They are wide and they are varied, some might even shock you. I am not always such a good girl, and for the first time in my life, I am completely comfortable with that thought.
Love and Kisses to you all in the New Year! Make sure you tell someone you love and want them today. In fact, tell as many people as you can that you love them. We all need to hear it.
I just told all my followers, all 1320 of them that they are loved. Top that!
PS: Make that 1318. I lost a few with my tantrum this morning.